Becoming a Parent

We all want to be the best parents we can be, but when you’re just starting out, the endless advice can leave you feeling overwhelmed and confused. It doesn’t help that most of it seems contradictory. However, there are some great pearls of wisdom for new parents which will make the journey a little easier for you.

But before you can begin to identify those pearls, you need to know what’s most important for you.

Parenting Goals

As you look at your newborn child, it can be very difficult to imagine that one day this tiny bundle will be ready to launch into the world and make their own contribution to this thing we call Life.

But you will blink and you will be there. And the space between now and then is yours. This is where you get to do your stuff, to mold and shape this little life, while at the same time honouring their individuality and unique temperament.

Your new baby is not a clean slate, they were born with certain characteristics and traits, and their own temperament. It won’t be long before you’ll start to figure out who they are. You’ll learn your baby’s unique style of communication, the way she cries, the faces he pulls, her rhythms, his sleep routine, etc.

And then there’s your temperament and personality, plus that of your partner. The trick is to find the balance

So the first question to ask, when faced with the plethora of contradicting parenting advice, is Will this work for me and my baby?

The second part of this is knowing the values that you want to impart to your child. In other words, who do you want your child to be? Is it important for you to raise a daughter who is strong and independent? Is it important for you to raise a son who is sensitive and not afraid to follow his dreams? Perhaps you want your kids to grow with the expectation that every problem has a solution. Or you value a person with a generous and compassionate spirit. The list is endless and there’s no right or wrong.

What’s important here is that you know what’s important. And once you have decided on the most important values, you are better positioned to start looking at all the advice surrounding you. Because then you can pick and choose. This is where you ask How will parenting in this way teach my child the values I want them to learn?

Acceptance

While knowing what’s important to you can help you navigate the field of parenting advice, Acceptance can give you the strength and clarity to get through the most difficult of days.

Becoming a mother can be an incredibly emotional experience for the most stoic of women. Firstly, there’s the hormonal and physical changes that are taking place in your body. That alone is enough to upset the equilibrium of the most emotionally balanced woman. Think about it. Your body is supporting the growth of a new life. I think the fact that any woman stays sane through pregnancy is a miracle in itself.

But then if that wasn’t enough, we have to add societal expectations. Just glance through any women’s magazine to read about how the latest Hollywood actress is such an amazing mother because she’s regained her pre-baby shape in no time, look how perfectly groomed she is, how peaceful her beautiful baby is, how perfect her life is…..

Then there’s the dreaded mothers’ group. Everyone sitting around talking about their “good” babies.  Because of course, how long a baby sleeps, how well he feeds and how quickly she learns to crawl are all moral behaviours, so if your baby isn’t achieving any of these amazing feats, then you’re obviously a bad mother and your precious child is destined to be the class dunce at best, or a delinquent at worst.

Please!!

There’s little wonder that many women and men struggle with some degree of depression during these early years.

Yes, I said men. Too many men have suffered in silence. In recent years PNDA has become recognised as a condition that affects men as well, so from here on in, I’m referring to fathers too.

There are three parts to Acceptance:

1. Accept that you are going through a major change in your life.

Physically, Spiritually, Socially – so of course this MUST affect you Emotionally. You will never be the same. Your relationship with your partner won’t be the same. Your life will be different. Go with it. Change is scary enough in itself, throw a new baby into the mix and it’s understandable that you might feel overwhelmed, maybe even question whether you’re capable or if you really want this new responsibility.

It’s not all bad though. Change can be a good thing. It can provide the impetus for growth, in yourself and your relationship. You will see things in a different perspective and this will affect you emotionally and maybe even spiritually. You may even experience a shake up of your core beliefs and values. This is all normal. Go with it. See where it leads you.

2. Accept that you don’t have all the answers.

This can be very scary. You’ve got a new life that you’re totally responsible for and there’s no handbook which has all the answers because not all children, or parents, are the same. Does this mean you’re alone? No. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. However, even with your village, at the end of the day the buck stops with you, decisions are made according to your values and beliefs about what is best for your child.

This is the scary bit, especially if you’ve got an imagination like mine. For example, I let my second cry herself to sleep once and within half an hour my mind had mapped out the course her life would take, to the point that she had joined a terrorist cell because she felt so unwanted and unloved from that one simple mistake I made when she was 11 months old.

That’s about the same time I gave up on watching 24 🙂

It doesn’t make you a failure or a bad parent if you don’t know what to do in any given situation. In fact, the quickest way to find out what to do is to admit that you don’t know. Once you’ve got that barrier out of the way, you’ll be more open to finding your answers.

3. Accept Help.

I remember a friend visiting me in hospital after my first was born and she asked if she could bring us a meal. I started to say no, but standing behind her was another friend who had been a parent a little longer than me. She was nodding her head emphatically and mouthing the word Yes, so I agreed to the meal.

After we brought baby home and defrosted that simple meal that came in an icecream container, hubby and I were so incredibly grateful that I’d listened to my friend, and grateful for all the other icecream containers in the freezer with meals for the rest of the week. Not having to worry about planning and preparing meals allowed us the precious time to adjust to life with a new baby at home.

So if you’re fortunate to have a village of friends who are willing to help, accept whatever help they’re willing to give. Whether it be housework, babysitting, laundry, shopping, whatever it is, it’s one less thing that you have to do.

You may feel that you have to do it all, as if somehow that makes you a better parent. Knock that lie on the head quickly. The truth is that each moment saved on chores is a moment gained in rest, spending time with your partner, or getting to know your baby. These moments are priceless.

Don’t let some unrealistic idea of what a perfect parent should be steal these moments away from you. This comes from Pride, and it’s the worst enemy of any new parent, with the potential to rob you of any small joy.

Do yourself a favour – leave Pride on the delivery table where it belongs. And when you look at your new child for the first time, whatever you’re feeling in that moment, don’t cover up with Pride. Allow Acceptance to guide you.

Because you are enough!