Valentine’s Day For Married Couples.

Every year around the 14th February I start hearing the same objections to Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day for married couples isn’t important.

It’s just another date created by Hallmark to make money. 

We don’t need a special date to celebrate love, it should happen every day of the year.

There’s a number of theories around the origins of Valentine’s Day, as there is with any holiday that Hallmark have exploited. My purpose here is not to ask how it all started. I believe it’s more important to ask Why does it matter so much?

Honouring and celebrating love on Valentine’s Day

Firstly, the argument that this is a date created by Hallmark. “We don’t need a special date to celebrate love, we should be celebrating it every year.”

I’m wondering why this argument is never raised around Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. No one would suggest that we only show appreciation for our parents on these days alone. Yet we seem to understand, that even though we have 364 other days of the year to show love to mum or dad, there’s something special about having one day a year set aside to honour our parents. And for the most part we engage in the tradition and don’t seem to care how much Hallmark is making out of it.

So why is there so much objection around honouring love on Valentine’s Day?

Is it because the notion of romantic love, as portrayed by the media, along with the expectations of how one should express love around this time of the year, are so much at odds with reality? I believe that for many of us this is the case. It doesn’t help that we are bombarded at almost every angle with suggestions for ‘That Perfect Valentine’s Gift’, ideas for the ‘Perfect Date’, and images of ‘Perfect’ loved up couples.

We all have different love languages. The trick is to find out what works for the both of you. That’s it! None of the other stuff matters. For me, I could think of nothing worse than sitting in a crowded restaurant, paying inflated prices for a meal that I could cook at home. The Sicilian in me would never allow it. Give me fish and chips on the beach at sunset any time, followed by Netflix on the couch…..

It also doesn’t help that there is still this pervading attitude that if you’re not in a relationship by a certain age, there must be something wrong with you. Or you must be miserable.

I remember being single. As a young Italian woman in her twenties, with no marriage prospects in sight, I held up well against the comments of pity and criticism that came my way. For the most part I didn’t really care what anyone thought of my relationship status. I was very happy with my life, but I must admit to finding Valentine’s Day a bit of a challenge at times. I feel for those around me who have lost loved ones, or who have come out of difficult relationships. As with any holiday or special occasion, the empowering sense of aloneness that comes from being happy without being in a romantic relationship, can easily be confused with loneliness on these days. For those who are in difficult or loveless relationships, this day only highlights what is missing.

A date worth celebrating.

Having said all that, I still believe this is a date worth celebrating.

I have an American penpal. We started writing back in the dark ages, when snail mail was the only method of communication for 10 year old girls who lived on opposite sides of the globe. I remember the first time she sent me a Valentine’s Card. I thought it strange at first, until I realised it was a friendship card. For my penpal, this date represented a celebration of love in general and each Valentine’s Day we would exchange cards celebrating the special friendship we shared across the miles. I had to hand make my cards as there was nothing in Australia for friendship back then, but I always looked forward to receiving her beautiful cards.

And yes they were from Hallmark 🙂

This practice changed my expectations around Valentine’s Day, especially during my high school years. Unlike many of my friends, my validation and self worth did not rest on whether I had a secret Valentine.

Finally, around the argument that there is no need for romance in marriage.

Really??

There’s so much I could say to that statement. But I’ve already used too many words so I’ll make do with referring you back to a previous post  for now, and focus instead on the importance of setting an example to our children.

Valentine’s Day with Children

When first baby was 5, hubby presented me with a small posy of flowers for Valentine’s Day, as was our tradition. First baby asked what the flowers were for and I explained that they were a gift from Daddy, because he loves me so much. She looked at him and asked “But… don’t you love me too?” When hubby reassured her that he did love her very much, she was close to tears as she asked, “Then why didn’t you bring flowers for me?”

From that day, hubby made a point of giving both our daughters a card and a small gift or single rose on Valentine’s Day. Part of this was to give them an expectation of how they should be treated. With the amount of women entering into relationships that are abusive at worst, or leave them feeling insignificant and worthless at least, there is something to be said for teaching our sons and daughters how they should love and honour their future partners. The best way to do this is by example.

Just as importantly, in keeping with the idea that love is worthy of being celebrated in all it’s forms, not just the romantic, we also made this date a celebration of the love in our family. Over the years, this tradition contributed to them feeling secure, safe, and worthy. Now that they’re older, they’ve started their own Galentine’s Day traditions, leaving us to enjoy our fish and chips on the foreshore at sunset without them.

But we can cope with that 🙂