High School Graduation: Parenting A Young Adult.

I remember how first baby’s high school graduation took me by surprise.  I don’t know why I wasn’t ready, maybe it was because she’s my first, but for some reason I got to my daughter’s graduation day and it hit me that I had a young adult in my home. And I wasn’t ready to be parenting a young adult.

It felt like I was a new parent all over again.

Up until that point, I was just beginning to feel like we’d made it, the worst part was over with and it was smooth sailing from here on in. Then we had the Valedictory Dinner and I realised that this was a major milestone; like giving birth to a baby except we were now giving birth to an adult.

Parents Feelings About Graduation

We don’t seem to acknowledge many rites of passage in our Western culture, but I do believe that high school graduation is definitely one of them. It’s an important time for both the teen and the parents as we each grapple with a range of graduation feelings.

It goes without saying that for the teen this can be a daunting time; especially as they begin to face the responsibilities associated with adulthood and making decisions for their future. I get that. Maybe it’s because I get it, and was trying to ease that process for my daughter, that I hadn’t taken the time to consider the implications for me as a parent.

In fact, I don’t think the thought of it even entered my mind until we were seated at the table, awaiting the graduates to be presented to the parents and dignitaries. No sooner had I realised the full significance of this ceremony, than the graduates entered the room and I was standing to applaud them. In that moment I was hit with a wave of emotion as feelings ranging from Pride, Joy, Hope, Excitement, Victory, Fear, Relief, and Grief threatened to bowl me over.

I had suddenly woken up to the realisation that our daughter was transitioning from childhood to adulthood. And I needed to catch up.

Parenting Young Adults.

I finally understood the fear that many of my friends had felt when they were about to become parents for the first time. After years of working with babies and children, having a baby wasn’t so scary for me (apart from the giving birth bit, but that’s another story).

But parenting a young adult? That was more than scary.  I was in uncharted territory and not sure I had the skills to navigate it. For 17 years hubby and I had the responsibility of teaching and protecting this child, giving her the best opportunities at our disposal so that she could grow into her potential and take her place in world. Now we were on the cusp of adulthood and the rubber was about to hit the road. It was our moment of truth as parents. How well did we do? She was getting ready to launch and we needed to let go and allow her to fly on her own. But was she ready?

More to the point, was I ready??

How to Parent an Adult Child.

It became apparent to me that that we still needed our village if we were to survive this transition from teenager to adulthood. We needed those pioneers who had gone before us and survived.

So we looked around and found three main families that we respected. Each were about 5 – 15 years ahead of us, raising adult children, and we would’ve been proud to see our kids turn out as well as theirs. All of them were also quite different in their approaches as well, which was important as it gave us different perspectives for how we might want to approach any given situation.

However, the biggest advantage was that we were able benefit from their hindsight; so we knew which battles to choose and which to let go of.

Our village reminded us that children and teens don’t come with a handbook; and they encouraged us with the truth that it was quite OK to tell our kids this as well. By the time they get to their teens, our kids have figured out that we aren’t demigods and we don’t have all the answers, so we may as well fess up and be honest about it. To continue to act otherwise would only diminish our credibility and the respect they have for us.

I’m grateful for the advice of one of my friends around this. She suggested a conversation along the lines of “You’re becoming an adult, and that idea is as daunting for us as it is for you. We’re all new at this so we’re going to make mistakes, just like you won’t always get things right first time, neither will we. We will try and guide you but we also need you to guide us.”

Three Keys to Parenting Success.

As new parents there are three keys to successful parenting.

The first is Faith. Faith in ourselves, our strengths, our skills, and our ability to find the answers when we’re not sure. And faith that the connection and bond we have with our child will be enough to cover over our mistakes.

The second is Trust. The trust we place in our village; those people we have chosen to surround ourselves with, who will share our burdens, our celebrations, and support us in our parenting journey.

The third is Courage. The courage to make the tough decisions that affect our children’s wellbeing. And the courage to pour our heart and soul into the life of our children; to love them sacrificially, all with the goal of one day letting them go.

Because they must go.

And when it’s time for them to go; to step out onto their own path and destiny, we need these three keys again.

Faith in our foundational parenting, that some of the values we have imparted to our kids would actually stay with them.

Trust in our kids to make the right decisions.

And the Courage to let go, knowing that they will fall. As they fell when we let go of their hands when they were learning to walk. And they fell when we took the trainer wheels off and let go of the bike. Knowing that as it was then, so it will be now.

They will pick themselves up again. And they will fly.