Letting Go Of Your Child: When you are facing an empty nest.

Having always worked with infants and school aged children, I was never one of those ‘know it all’ people who had all the answers for new parents. I knew it was hard, so I never had to eat humble pie when it was my turn. Parents of young adults? Well, that’s a different story. How hard could it be, letting go of your child? Surely you’d be glad when those days of freedom have finally arrived.

I’m eating lots of humble pie now.

And I humbly apologise to the mothers of young adults, whom I have judged in the past.

I always thought that if your kids got to 18 and were able to look after themselves, you did well as a parent. I could never understand why parents, mothers in particular, struggled so much with their kids transitioning into adulthood.

Not Ready For My Kids To Grow Up

Why would you cry? Shouldn’t you be happy that you did a great job? Your kids are now responsible adults. You’re moving into this wonderful new phase where you can be friends, and you’ve now got freedom to live your life in new and exciting ways. You should be celebrating!

Yes, I actually said this. And again, I humbly and profusely apologise.

I’m sure I’m going to have a huge vulnerability hangover after this post, but in the spirit of authenticity, and in the hope of maybe encouraging someone else who feels the same (please don’t let me be the only one) I’m going to be honest in saying that I’m not doing so well right now.

As is my way, I’ve been trying to analyse what it is that is grieving me so much. My beautiful babies are now beautiful young women. In their own way, each of them is wise, diplomatic, compassionate, passionate and gentle. And they’re both Fierce! I am so proud of who they are and excited about what the future holds for them.

But I’ve been blindsided by Loss and I’m not handling it well. In fact I’m handling it so poorly, that I’m sure I’m in danger of losing the respect of my daughters if I don’t pull it together fast!

When Your Kids Don’t Need You Anymore

Loss.

What have I lost?

I’ve lost my little babies who were dependent on me for everything. I’ve lost the right to know everything that’s going on with them. I no longer have the same level of influence in their choices. I don’t have as much time with them in our day to day lives.

In short, I’m no longer the most important person in their world.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that I’m important to them, they love me and they still need me. But they don’t need me as much as they used to, and it’s in a different way. That’s a good thing right?

So why am I crying?

I knew this day would come and I thought I was prepared for it, but I obviously wasn’t. I mean, really, how can you prepare for something when you’re living in denial?

So here I am, with a new job description that I’m trying to learn quickly, because my kids needed me to fulfill that job description yesterday, but today I’m still working from the old one. The problem is, this new job description is a little sketchy. There’s so much information and support for new parents but I’m not finding much at this end. Is it because we’re supposed to know it all by now? If so I missed the memo because I’m feeling more uncertainty now than I ever did as a new parent.

How To Cope With Your Child Growing Up

How do I let go? How do I trust that the last 18 years were enough to ensure my kids are equipped to deal with what Life has in store for them? How do I accept that they’re not always going to turn to me for counsel, and I’m not always going to know all their hurts? And how do I accept that I am no longer the main influence in their lives?

There’s so much more I want to teach them, but they don’t need that now. They need to learn for themselves and make their mistakes, and I won’t always be there to fix it. Neither should I be. I get that. But it doesn’t make it easier.

Above all, what do I do with ‘Mummy’? How do I tell her that her services are no longer required?

And here comes the other reason I write. My answer to me 🙂

I’m thinking it’s time to send Mummy on a long, well deserved and well overdue, holiday. It’s not going to be easy. She’s going to go kicking and screaming, and I’ll have to be on the lookout for her sneaking back in and meddling where she’s not wanted. But I’m sure she’ll soon come to love her newfound ‘Me Time’, and I’ll have to make sure she makes the most of it, because in a few years we’re going to need her again. Except she won’t be ‘Mummy’ any more, she’ll be ‘Nana’. Her job description will have changed but this time I think she’ll be better prepared.

In the meantime, I’m getting to work on my new job description so that I can be the Mother my girls need right now.

By the way – any offers of assistance and guidance will be greatly appreciated!

P.S. A Word of Encouragement

I wrote this article 4 years ago when second baby was not quite 17, and already fiercely independent. The grief hit me hard! I really wasn’t ready to let go of being mummy. It was at that point that I realised I hadn’t escaped my upbringing. I’m Italian, my whole life had been geared towards motherhood. I always wanted to be a mother, but I never wanted motherhood to define me. And I thought I had put things in place to prevent that.

But define me it did. And I guess this is the curse of human nature, that we so easily allow ourselves to be defined by what we do, rather than who we are. It’s a dangerous place to be in, because pretty soon our whole self worth becomes entwined with our job description, rather than our character.

If this is you, be encouraged that you don’t have to stay in this place of loss. Of course you will be a different person now to who you were when you first gave birth. And that can be scary, change always is, but how you look at that can and will determine the outcome for you.

Rediscovering yourself after motherhood.

I want to encourage you to see it as an adventure and go with it. You’ve got more time now, what do YOU want to do? Not sure? Remember all the things you put to one side because you didn’t have time when the kids were little? The things you couldn’t do because there was no one to look after the kids?

Start there.

And trust me, it won’t be long until you find yourself again.

As for motherhood? You will always be a mother. Your kids will always need you. They still do. They’re just out exploring right now. This is their time to learn and it’s terrifying for us. But if you can trust your parenting, trust that you are enough and that your bond is enough, you will get through it.

Because they will be back. Yes, it will be different, but they will be back.

So pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and go take that well deserved break. Because it won’t last long.