Raising Teens: Parent-Teenager Conflict

I’ll never forget the day I was driving home with my teenage daughter when we saw her friend, visibly distraught and wandering aimlessly in the 40°C heat. Her relationship with her mother had been rocky of late, just the normal parent-teenager conflict. Mum was fed up with parenting an out of control teenager and had given her the ‘shape up or ship out’ ultimatum. Obviously that tactic didn’t work and my daughter’s friend had returned home from school to find that she was locked out of the house, with many of her belongings in the bin.

If you’re parenting a teen, you’re most likely thinking ‘poor mum’. And you could be justified for feeling that. Raising teenagers is no picnic. Moody, Know It All, Self Absorbed, Disrespectful, Contradictory, and Dramatic are just some of the words and phrases many parents use to describe teenage attitude and behaviour.

Teenage Attitude and Behaviour

Many parents experience feelings of grief and loss during this time, which is understandable. Gone are the cuddles, snuggles, holding hands, and terms of endearment from your child who loves you, wants to spend time with you, looks up to you, and thinks you know everything. Suddenly you’re parenting a teenager who can barely manage a grunt or mumbled monosyllabic conversation, who doesn’t want to spend time with you let alone learn from you.

You may even feel like you’ve got a stranger in your home, as your teen starts challenging and pruning different values and beliefs. They test you at almost every turn, and at times it feels that you’re just there to provide food and lodgings and a limitless bank account. It’s understandable that this mum finally resorted to locking her daughter out of the home.

But is it really always the fault of the teen?

Being A Teenager

Cast your mind back to your teen years. Do you remember what it felt like? Adolescence and the ensuing teen years are often a time of confusion and overwhelm. Next to the Early Years, there’s no other period in human development that matches the level of change and growth that occurs during Adolescence. And just like the early years, the focus turns inward as teens grapple with a changing body, identity, abilities, beliefs, values, feelings and emotions.

It’s common to accuse teens of having a chip on their shoulder and in some ways this is true. All of this inward focused energy leads to a form of egocentrism, not unlike the two year old who believes the whole world revolves around them and everything in it belongs to them. However, while a two year old could care less what the outside world thinks of them, not so during the teen years. These are the years where it seems the whole world is watching you, judging you. This period heralds the beginning of adulthood, and that brings with it a new identity. Developing this new identity is a teen’s biggest challenge, and what others think is an important part of them working out this challenge.

Parent-Teen Relationship: The Importance of Belonging

Belonging is an important foundation to realising identity. And this is why friendship groups are so important to teens. Friendship groups not only feel safe when it seems the whole world is watching you, they are also a safe place for teens to test new values and ideals.

In fact, friendship groups are so important that most parents believe they are superfluous to their adolescent or teen, who no longer cares or has need for their parents.

In fact, the opposite is true. The majority of preteens and teens value their parents and their parents’ opinions. They need you more than ever!

Back to my daughter’s friend, who ended up coming home with us. I’d only met her briefly a couple of times before.  She was doing well at school while managing part time work in our local shopping centre, and she was always polite to customers and to us. 

She was certainly very polite and respectful in our home. In fact, if she were my daughter I would have been proud of the way in which she conducted herself. Even when I took her aside to have a chat with her, I could see the fear, heartache and rejection welling in her eyes, along with the tears. Yet she maintained self control. Watching her help with the dinner preparations, it would have been easy to assume that the fault, in this case, lay completely with her mother.

Of course I’m a mother myself so I know differently. I know my kids are often better behaved with others than they are with me.  I’ve been working with children and families enough to know that this is normal. However there are still times that I make it about me. They don’t love me enough or don’t respect me enough. Of course that’s not true and even hurtful to suggest. But I still go there when hormonal conditions allow 🙂

We even make it about us on a positive scale, it’s because we’re such good parents that our children know how to behave when we’re not around. Of course there is some truth in that and there’s nothing wrong with patting yourself on the back for a job well done as a parent.

However, the truth of it all is that it’s normal human behaviour. We all show our best sides to others and it’s usually those who are closest to us that see the worst in us. That’s because our loved ones are often our safe place. We can relax and let go of our frustration and negativity from the day, knowing that we are loved regardless of our behaviour. It’s worth noting that I’m not talking about abuse here, there’s never an excuse for abuse. I’m talking about grumpy, disagreeable and really just not being at our best. Nor am I suggesting that it’s acceptable, just that we all do it to some extent. The only reason we don’t tantrum (well most of the time anyway) is because we’ve learned that this is not socially acceptable.

So why do we expect our kids to be any different?

Parent-Teenager Conflict: Who’s at fault?

I’m pleased to report that this young girl slept in her own bed that night. But the events and emotion of that evening stayed with me and have challenged my own parenting.

As I reflected on her behaviour in our home and tried to imagine the conflict at her home, it occurred to me that there might well be another reason that our kids are worse for us than they are for others. Perhaps we as parents play a bigger role than we’d like to admit when it comes to conflict with our teens. Remember it’s not just our kids that show their worst side at home, we do it too. So perhaps we need to step up and take some ownership of our part in the relationship.

I’m not suggesting it’s all the fault of the parents. I’m suggesting it’s not all the fault of the kids. Relationships are a two way street. Maybe, just maybe, my attitude to my kids causes them to feel frustrated, like they’re not good enough or at worst, that I don’t really love them unconditionally.

If I’m serious about wanting my kids to reach their fullest potential, I need to step up and be the adult and admit that at times I do over react and I don’t give them the best example. And I need to tell them that. It’s OK to say “I was wrong”.  Admitting you were wrong isn’t telling your child that they were right. It’s teaching your child how to take ownership over his or her behaviour. I over reacted because I allowed myself to get angry, not because anyone else made me angry. I am responsible for my own behaviour. How can we teach our kids this very important lesson if we can’t do it ourselves?

Let me put it another way. What’s more important – your pride or your child’s heart?