Recently a local radio station engaged in a social experiment, in helping a couple regain intimacy and create a strong marriage. Now I’ll admit, I’ve not listened to every installment but every time I do the focus seems to be on sex. Or as they put it – 12 continuous days of nookie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but it seems to me that along with pretty much everything else in this world, the focus is on the end product with little thought given to the process.
And this, I believe, is the reason why many couples struggle with finding their happy ending (so to speak).
A long term relationship typically goes through three major stages, each with it’s own specific task. It’s how we approach and negotiate each stage that determines the longevity and quality of our relationship.
The Honeymoon Phase
The first and shortest stage is known as the Honeymoon Phase. This is the heart pumping, shortness of breath, hormone fueled giddy feeling that we call love. It’s a beautiful and romantic stage to be in and also the most dangerous. Dangerous because our bodies can’t physically stay in this heady state continuously for more than a few years at best so if we don’t put in the ground work now we could be left with nothing once those hormones settle.
The most important task during this stage is to get to know one another intimately. I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally. I’m surprised at how many couples know each other so intimately on a physical level but don’t seem to really ‘get’ their partner on an emotional level.
There are three very important aspects to focus on during this stage of getting to know one another.
The first is values. If your partner’s core values don’t align with yours, then kiss him or her goodbye. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. The biggest deal breakers when it comes to values are finances, expectations around male/female roles, faith and raising kids. Core values rarely change and nor should you expect them to. That’s not love.
The second is faults. Don’t try and hide them and don’t try and brush over your partner’s faults either. It’s not romantic but when you’ve been living with that person for years you won’t be able to ignore their faults so you may as well take a good look now. Ask yourself Can I live with this for the rest of my life? If the answer is yes, then move forward in your relationship without any intention of trying to change that fault. If the answer is no, then move on out of the relationship. Expecting to change a person’s ‘faults’ is not love.
The third is to find out one another’s love language and speak it. Make it a habit, as natural as breathing, because if you both do it well this will practice alone will go a long way in creating a successful long term relationship.
The Middle Years
When the honeymoon phase wears off many couples are at risk of hitting their first rocky patch. This is where we settle into a routine, kids come along and we negotiate the challenges of mortgage, bills, kids, work and life in general. The last thing you feel like doing at the end of the day is getting intimate, you just want sleep! It’s not surprising that the heady feelings of passion and love from the honeymoon phase start fading and you may even begin to sense an emotional separation from your partner as your relationship is put on auto pilot and you focus your energy towards just getting through life. Before long you’ve become two different people. You don’t even know who YOU are anymore let alone your partner and you’re left wondering what went wrong.
The biggest mistakes couples make during this stage is to put the children and everything else first and accept that this is the way it will be. But it doesn’t have to be.
The task during this stage is twofold –
First of all, spend time on yourself. It is during this time, where we risk losing sight of who we are. Invest time in hobbies, friends or activities that relax you, stimulate your mind and bring you back to your core values. If you’ve got younger children this may seem impossible, but this is where your partner comes in. Parenting needs to be done as a team, not just for the benefit to the kids, but for the sake of your relationship. Part of your purpose is to encourage the other and support them so that they don’t lose who they are. Both of you are more than your children, your marriage, and your jobs. You are individuals, with real and valid interests and needs and dreams. Encourage and support one another, build each other up. Having kids doesn’t mean you have to stop dreaming and it definitely shouldn’t mean the end of YOU.
Second, don’t neglect your relationship with your partner. This starts with getting your focus off sex. I can hear some sighs of relief here while others among you are screaming at me 🙂 Hear me out. Physical intimacy is vital for a healthy relationship but when sex is the only way to demonstrate love, it just becomes another chore. If you want your intimate relationship to feel less like work, then you need to work on your play. That is, make time for each other.
Tips for making time for each other:
5 Tips for Making time for each other
- Make time for a date night.
This doesn’t need to be elaborate. It could be as simple as putting the kids to bed early and enjoying a candle lit dinner at home. Read here for more tips. - Dream together
Set goals for a shared vision, plan how you will achieve that goal. Talk about your future dreams and plans. - Step into each other’s world
Instead of joining in with activities that your partner enjoys just to earn brownie points so they can return the favour, why not try looking at that activity through the eyes of your partner? Find out what they enjoy about it. You don’t have to love everything they love or take on every hobby, but you may find you have more in common than you think. And you may even develop a new interest along the way. - Rituals and special shared activities.
Chances are when you were dating you enjoyed a special shared activity or two. For hubby and myself we would study til midnight then head into town for a midweek cappuccino. We were both broke students back then so it was all we could afford. When we started working we made it a Saturday morning ritual, and when the kids came along they joined us. Thirty years later we still enjoy our Saturday morning coffee ritual and have gone back to the midweek late night coffee from our dating years. - Create memories
Following on from the rituals, are shared memories. Food, drink and music can all evoke special memories that serve to reconnect you and take your relationship back to its core. For example, every time hubby and I enjoy a lemon, lime and bitters, we recall sitting in the beer garden at an historic pub in the country town where we lived when we were first married. We have many conversations like this, conversations that begin with Remember when we……?
Love must be renewed on a regular basis. If you want to have a strong marriage, you must make the decision to regularly reconnect with your partner, to laugh, cry, remember, argue, make up and experience the full gamut of emotions together, to be real and raw and honest with one another, to LOOK at each other daily with fresh eyes and remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.
THIS is the foundation for a long lasting intimate relationship. It starts with the decision to choose love.
The Autumn Years
This is third stage of long term relationships. Couples who survive the middle years with their relationship on auto pilot run the risk of facing an empty nest and a partner they have very little in common with.
On the other hand, couples who have taken the time to nurture their relationship and support each other through the rough times as well as the good, report that they experience better emotional and physical intimacy now than during the honeymoon phase. This is a much deeper and more comfortable relationship as there’s nothing left to prove and trust is complete. The kids are independent, leaving more time for you to just enjoy one another’s company.
Many report even going back to feeling the heady rush of that romantic love again. But it’s different. It’s better. It’s unconditional. Uncertainty and doubt is replaced with the security that has been cemented over years of building a solid emotional connection that in many ways becomes spiritual.
This is the real happy ending 🙂
About the Author
SARINA ELDER
Sarina is a Writer with a passion for Making A Difference (MAD).
As a first generation Australian who struggled with cultural identity as a child, Sarina understands the importance of Being, Belonging, and Becoming as a fundamental need in all of us, regardless of age.
As a misunderstood Creative, who was diagnosed with ADHD in her adult years, Sarina is particularly passionate about supporting others to identify and release their Creative, or the Creative in their children, and to embrace the Neurodiversity that accompanies Creativity.
Sarina believes the best way to embrace ourselves is through laughter, and is open to sharing her own stories with the hope of encouraging others.